morbid

"We had a memorial service for Isaac a few years back, and I spoke and said at one point, 'Isaac is up in heaven now.' It was the funniest thing I could have said to an audience of humanists... And if I should die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in heaven now.' That's my favorite joke."

*******************
i just recently found out that a million episodes of frontline are on PBS.org for free! i just watched the undertaking, a story about a small funeral home and the experiences of its undertakers. It got me thinking about my own demise, and the loss of the ones i love. I have always found the only true, reliable source of comfort in all situations tends to be hope. That doesn't mean hope that the dying will become well, or the hope that i myself will never die--more the feeling of hope that comes when i realize that from nothing, all of this has materialized. a century ago, none of these people i love existed as they do now. in a century, none of them will exist. as surely as this is all going to end, something new and beautiful will begin, that i may never see or experience.

i just believe that you don't need to feel comforted by the hope that you will see the deceased again in heaven or in another life. it is comfort enough that you have lived, have seen what you have seen, and are given the incredible gift of living your life with beautiful people you will eventually lose. this whole experience is so spontaneous and fleeting, what does it matter if it lives on forever? it is living right now, and that can never be altered.

i'm not sure i'm happy about writing this in my blog, but my paper journal is too far away and im thinking this too heavily to not write it down.

(if i die any time soon, please realize that i don't want to be alive somewhere else. it would take away from the beauty of being alive in this place.)