Once a lazy kid, always a lazy kid?

Anyone who knows me, knows I am not an athlete.

I am the girl who failed gym class in high school from voluntarily "forgetting" her clothes too many times; the girl who quit every sport before it started; the girl who hung out by the Ritchie's slush cart on Field Day; the girl who would rather spend countless hours in the art closet, than ten minutes attempting to run a mile; the girl who was too shy to go to the gym in college for fear that someone would see how out of shape she was.

I've spent my life assuming that I am only this girl. That I am lazy, weak, not "cut-out" for athletics, and that this is the way it will always be.

I've recently made the decision to not allow my past to define my future.

Destruction has let me see that the future is not static. It is, instead, something that we form and create ourselves. When I was 19, I had my heart broken and, in the aftermath, was forced to build a new path for myself. All those 'WE' expectations suddenly became 'ME' realities. I found that the lives we plan are often nothing in comparison to the lives we can make for ourselves. After many emotionally challenging months, I built a life that was mine--and it has turned out to be fantastic. This time was proof that we don't have to settle for what we expect to be our truth or our future. Suddenly, the possibilities were ripped wide open. I directly saw that life truly is what you make of it.

*****

I was 20 when I started to run. I don't remember why I did. In the beginning, I couldn't run longer than a minute without feeling like I was going to vomit. Every part of my body hurt with a throbbing ache. My lungs felt tight and weak. It seemed entirely impossible that this would ever get easier. I followed a Couch-to-5K plan, and 6 months later, I was able to run--slowly--for 20 minutes without stopping. To some this may be nothing, but to me, this was triumphant. It still is. Since then, I have run, on and off, for the past three years. I ran my first 5k earlier this month. And for the first time in my life, I beat my sister. My always-the-most-athletic-in-our-family sister. I never actually boasted out loud...but you better believe I did in my head. I beat her! (and I beat that weak-old-tv-loving-couch-potato-quitter-Mallory, too!)

******

Running is arguably the most important thing I have ever brought into my life. It is something that I used to fear and now find myself craving. It still hurts like hell. But, on the flipside, it has allowed me to develop a deeper connection to the mysterious and incredible nature of living in a body. I hear ancient truths in the beating of my heart, the aching of my thighs, and the build-up of my sweat.

There is a very deep mindfulness that can come from just feeling each step--one after the next after the next--as you propel yourself forward. The world is open when you realize each step is going in a direction that you choose--its just your mind and your body, moving through the world. And there is that moment, with just you and your feet, when you realize--wait a minute, this is me...and I'm running. Out-of-shape, self-defeated me. If I can run, there is no one on the face of this earth who can't. What a liberation.

Its for all these reasons that I've made the entirely insane decision to begin training for the Philadelphia Marathon.

Out-of-shape, self-defeating me...training...for a MARATHON.
(...but hell, no matter what happens, I will be running more than I ever have...and I will still be surprising myself by looking into the mouth of a 26.2 mile beast and saying 'yeah, I might be able to do that...')